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Chapter 10 – Hammer-Time
It felt great having work prospects and a career on the go gain. I jumped straight into the work head down bum up. We were building houses for GJ Gardner’s out in Shotover Country. Just the sort of thing a young apprentice should be working on. I was having a great time, working hard and playing harder. Life was balanced. I loved finishing work and heading home for a session and a jam. I talked Wal into giving Reuban a job with us, as I felt bad that Reuban was working for Craig “Fuckhead” King.
It was mean having the bro to work with, times were good. I took my guitar into work a few times to show off my chops to Wal, he was impressed and thought I had great timing. He even offered me a spot in his band! It was a four piece compromising of a drummer, Stumpy, Bex on vocals, Wal on bass, and Bardy on electric guitar. I was to be the rhythm acoustic guitarist. How stoked was I, my first band! We had a couple of practice sessions and they were offering me gigs, unpaid for now. The music wasn’t fully to my taste. It was 70s-90s rock. Stuff like Dragon, Cold Chisel, etc…My first gig was to be at a wedding at Lake Hayes estate for a lady nicknamed Shorty. Nervous I was, excited was I. The second offered gig was a New Years Eve set in Wanaka on the main stage!
The wedding was on a Saturday at Lake Hayes Pavilion, and it was a beautiful sunny day. Me and Wal got together at his house to pack the gear into the van. I could feel magic in the air. This was going to be so much fun! We get to Lake Hayes Pavilion and I try to open the back door of the van. It had been playing up for some time and you had to apply the right amount of pressure to the door and try and open it to get it open. I was manically trying to get the thing open, when the handle went fully soft. It was fucked. The bloody thing, for fucks sake, now we cant get the gear out. There were side doors into the van but there were shelves all throughout so the only access was trough the back. Man I was freaking at this point, stressing out to the max. I didn’t want to fuck this for Wal. We had to dismantle the shelves to get access to the gear. This took about twenty minutes. He would later have to get the door fixed, farking finally. The gear was set up and there was no sound check, just testing the guitars and vocals to see if they worked. I’m sure having played together so much there would be pre set levels etc. to get it all honky dory without the need for a mix to be made. Is this history in the making? The Rhys’ first gig with a band! We buggered off for the afternoon so I went home, smoked some weed, drank some beers, and got some practice in.
I only had time to learn five songs. before the gig. I could have done more if I had used chord sheets to cheat, but I chose to do it from memory. They weren’t hard in terms of technique, but I hadn’t learned many songs start to finish, and learning the structures of songs I had hardly listened to was a challenge. So I rock up to the gig, while they are all finishing dinner. I’m tingling with excitement. I sit with Wal and friends and enjoy the atmosphere. Wal tells me to do a few songs on my own, over the end of dinner. So after a quick warm up outside I hit the stage. I was nervous at first, but did an easy song to start to ease into things. I did about five songs on my own, it would have only gone for twenty minutes or so,just fingerstyle pieces. Nevertheless, it went well. I only wish I knew more solo fingerstyle pieces. After my solo set, the band joins the stage. Here we go folks, time to rock! I was having the time of my life, and the band sounded great. I did my five songs then mingled on the dance floor. I was dancing and and the ladies were flirting and having a great time. All these old ladies were giving me kisses on the cheek and grabbing my bum, I had obviously put on a good show and had sexed up the women here. Not that I was into old ladies but it was funny enough. One old lady wanted me to go home with her and her husband haha. It was a great night all in all, my first gig went without a hitch!
I struggled to sleep that night, I was on such a high. The thoughts of revlolutiuons entered my mind. I thought I had powers and had unlocked parts of my brain not yet explored. On the Sunday after the gig me and Reuban hang out. We just smoke weed, and visit people. We head to Aunty P’s house. It was there I meet a daughter of Aunty P, Tara. She talks to me about how she rides horses, and gets into nature. I think I’m in love, have I found my Queen to my King? As we drive away from the house I’m secretly crying behind my glasses about all that’s about to be. A new way of thinking to be had, a step back to the dark ages to save the planet. And we were going to be King and Queen of New Zealand!
I go to work on Monday Manic as hell. I’d think something funny and look at this digger driver for a reaction, and I’d see him crack up, just confirmation of my powers. There were a lot of revolution songs on the radio, just more confirmation of miracles about to unfold. I was getting talk backey to Frog the foreman, thinking that I had better ways of doing things and that he would have to get used to me giving him orders. I was still going to complete my apprentiship when I was King, only doing a day or two a week to get qualified. I worked the Monday then had some time off, letting the high subside. I don’t know how or when but a mental health lady shows up to my house one day after a day back at work and talks me into going with her to Invercargill mental health ward. I thought they were going to be preparing big celebrations in Queenstown for me, and I had to get out of town while this was going on. A big mountain of weed would be up Kelvin Heights and I would be striking a pose up top of it for legalising weed! This was going to be awesome!
I dreamed of a big convoy heading back to Queenstown when I got out. Tim Shadbolt and me would be in a stretch limo being escorted by all the bikers from Invercargill. We would be having water and paintball fights on the drive down out of our vehicles. All the bikers would have girls on the back shooting at us, etc…This was going to be epic! There were signs around the ward. I talked to a guy Jo in there and he seemed to understand all that was going on in my mind without even having to tell him, another confirmation of thins unravelling. Someone put a green piece of paper over a light in my hallway, and the green flag was my idea of the united world flag. Just another sign that I later found out a nurse put it on there, so the nurses were in on it aye? What was I in for? Epicness that’s for sure. The feelings of revolution subsided as nothing seemed to perspire, and I met a girl in the ward called Azure. I was lustful at first glance. She was dark faired and had a bit of Maori in her. We talked a lot and hung out, she was pretty quiet, and I needed a ward GF. I’d buy her coffees from the café and nibbles as she wasn’t allowed out. One night they busted us mid first kiss on the couch in the TV room. She had been lying down on my lap when I went in for the kill. The nurse busted in and stopped us just as our lips pressed haha.
There was no convoy, Mum and Dad came to get me when they released me. I still had hopes for the mountain of weed to be there, I would just have to wait until we got to Queenstown. They weren’t telling me anything, I just had to stay hopeful. But alas, as we get into Queenstown there’s no celebration, no mountain of weed, just normal Queenstown. My hopes and dreams foiled for now. It was the day before New Years Eve and I hooked up with Wal to go to Wanaka. They had kicked me out of the band, thinking I couldn’t handle the excitement due to mental illness. I had missed two weeks of work and I think Wal thought it was best for me. I was gutted. I begged them to let me play that night, but no was the defirmitive answer. We drink beers all afternoon and head into town. I take off to a bar while they set up and mingle. I meet a female singer who is just beautiful. We chat for a bit and go inside to check out the live music. It was cool. She did a couple of songs with the guy jamming there it sounded great. I was in awe, but I had to go to check out Wals band on the main stage in town. There wasn’t many people there but it was what it was. I wish I was up there playing with them. I was so let down, but what can you do? We went back to the house after the gig where we were all camping in the back yard and there were jams until the early morning. I got pretty drunk and passed out around two am, apparently I was the culprit of the puke pile in the backyard, even though I remember such things even when I’m pissed as. It was a good new years, hanging with my boss and friends. Still bitterly disappointed I didn’t get to play a new years main stage.
I’d been playing a bit of poker down at the pub. It was run by a guy called Denzel and was called Card Sharks. I really enjoyed seeing some cards, having a few drinks, and talking shit to the guys. I was talking to Azure a lot and she would come down to visit every weekend via bus. She was staying in Invercargill for a little bit then moved to Christchurch to live with her mum. It was good having a girlfriend again. I was pretty happy. I taught her poker and she loved it. The thrill of the gamble. Pretty soon she moved in with me at mums and dads house. This was sweet, just what I needed. She started working and studying, but she didn’t make any friends. She sort of just stayed to herself, very introverted girl. She had Schizophrenia. We were happy together though, we entertained ourselves.
Azure inherited $60,000. We brought a lot of weed and she brought toys. A lot of weed as in a pound. Reuben loses his job because he choses to go home when it was raining. Wal had told me we were contractors and could do what we want, and I told Reuban this and I think that's why he felt able to pack up and leave work. Me and Azure go to Fiji and Raratonga in the same year.
It was an awesome trip, drinking cocktails and enjoying island life. We'd wake up, start drinking, play poker on our phones and gamble, go for swims and bike rides. We managed to find a little weed off the locals. She couldn’t hold a job and kept changing courses of study at SIT. I was getting rather worried about her, and it irritated me how slow she was because of her Schizophrenia. Reuban ends up ripping us off for $1350 on some ticked ounces and fucks me off completely. Farking Nazi scum bag carnt. My parents choose not to build a house with Wal and put their section up for sale. The plans had all been drawn. I get made redundant from my job shortly after that.
I find a new job with Remarkable Construction within minutes of looking. There’s lots of building going on around here. The boss was 26 and a Maori, short fella named Marcus. He was all good to work for, but I was sick of being on a contract apprentiship rate. Weed was scarce at times, but we made do. She spent all her money. Crazy, young and dumb, I didn’t know how much she was spending, but I probably would have done the same at her age. I'd come home and she'd have brought a new toy. I meet an old friend Andrew Jackson through Jackson Todd. We catch up and hit it off. He’s a good bugger in my books. Has two daughters and a wife, nice family.
I’m over Azure by now. My parents wanted us to break up too, so I break up with her and the next day I catch her out and she admits to fucking Jackson in his car when I was at work. Filthy mongrel. She stayed a couple more days then left for Christchurch. Good riddance I’d say, out of sight out of mind. Probably what her mum thought for a bit hahah.
I lose my job after 4 months and spend two weeks looking for work and playing guitar. I think it was all the weed I was smoking at work because one day he comes up to me and says I don't know enough and that I'm gone. The life of a contract apprentice, no rights at all and the fuckers are shit teachers. It's so hard to find a good mentor. I find a job with Amalgamated builders. I would be on wages and on $25/hour. I was wrapped.
I did a lot of concreting which I had never done before. I worked with a good bloke Dave. We were working at the airport a lot of my time here and had name tags and security blah blahs all over the place. I have a good time with Dave, he’s a funny man. I call him my other Dad. I go busking over the Christmas break and have a very successful night. Meet some cool dudes, smoked some weed. I pulled over $200 in a couple hours or so. Then I went out on Christmas Eve and made nothing. I was pissed as fuck. I ended up singing “Fuck Christmas, fuck Christmas and” over and over. I stayed for three hours and then all off a sudden I had to pee. I tried to gather my things quickly but as I bent down to pack my cash I peed my fucking pants right on the street corner. Now this is not something that’s happened before and luckily no one was around. So I packed my shit and got a taxi home. I don’t know if he smelt anything, he didn’t say anything to me. It was awkward.
So I started writing my autiobiography. I thought I had a good story to share. Maybe the book of Fucking Awesome wasn't such a bad idea. It was fun reliving my life, as tragic as it's been, that's me, a tragedy.
I’d been having good times with Andrew. We had been discussing plans to build cheap homes somewhere for us when we are qualified and he is LBP. Cam Walker was also involved as the plumber. I really wanted to develop self sustainable lifestyle blocks with small and tiny homes for people to live in. I enjoyed playing with Andrew and Paula’s daughters. Playing music to Michaela as she’d dance. Or push the kids around in the broken down miniature car.
FRIDAY – I drive past Jodies house one Friday after work and pop in. I hadn't seen them in a long time. I catch up with Johnny and meet a young bloke called Ben. Jodie asks if I’m Jedi and I say yes. This will have some more significance soon, but Jedi was the census religion to get weed legalized. I go out that night with Ben have good time. We talk to girls and drink. I have a random jam on top of Queenstown Hill by my house and sing some songs on the walk home. This is day one of an unknown many day binge.
SATURDAY – Somehow I start thinking that people can hear my thoughts and that I’m a god or a chosen one. I think Lorde the singer is my lost soul and that we are destined and put here to rule the world. If i think something wrong or can’t be bothered finishing my thoughts, its ok because the gods finish my vision for me based on what’s meant to be and should happen and the people hear it. The kids never hear the adult stuff and it’s all heard or inferred by what one would want to hear or see, and everything that’s happened in my life has happened because of fate or a lesson to be learnt from it.
I go to get some beers by the airport and decide to check out how our job was coming along as we hadnt been there in a couple weeks. It was a hot sunny day and I had no shirt on and a beer in hand, name tag pinned to my nipple hair when I went through the back security gate. I mucked around for 15 minutes or so looking around and making a shrine for Bee until security yelled “OI”. I bolted straight back out the gate and caused them mayhem. They shut the airport down for two hours and investigated.
I almost got banned for life from the airport but Dad plays golf with a local cop and they put in a good referee for me. I drive around Frankton and end up driving down a random dirt road. I see three miniature horses and I stop and start playing guitar to them. The two brown horses take off but the white one stuck around until the end of the song. I think its Queen Bee in this horse, watching me. I head down to the house and meet a lady called Rachel who owns the family run bird sanctuary. She shows me around her bird sanctuary. I loved her exotic birds and wish to return sometimes soon.
I set my possum traps and by this point I’m getting pretty berserk thinking I am actually god sent down to earth to revolutionise the planet and globalise thinking. I would think of something then click my fingers and a vision, miracle, or enlightenment would happen for the people. Lorde would click twice for her say in the matter, and a final three clicks from me to finalize things. I legalize weed and start getting everyone hemp crazy. Hemp is going to revolutionize the world for the good of the man. Me and Kevin my flatmate go for walk up Queenstown hill and I make a stick hut for Lorde and me to use, another of my shrines for her. I have a jam up top of Queenstown hill dedicated to Queen bee. I’m drunk on this thought that I would have my own singing bee to always jam with me.
I go up Coronet Peak for a rally and to show off for the boys. Remeber I'm being wathched. I’d been promising and even bringing people back from the dead. Possum Bourne would teach me to Rally. Mad Mike would teach me to drift. I was thinking the most random thoughts some of which I can’t remember or explain. I boost it to Invercargill to score a couple bags, absolutely hoofing getting the revs into the red and cruising at 160kmh beers were smashing about in the back seat. Im pouring beer all over me to cool off. I make it in record time and I score my weed and somehow with my mind so full of thoughts I go the wrong way and end up in Bluff. I wasn’t really paying attention to where I was going. I was just loving going for a cruise. It’s good having weed again, the lengths I’ll go to to get high, Yum yums. It was the last of my money. I race back to Queenstown squeeling tyres and all
I go to bed that night on such a high. I’m thinking funny thoughts to crack the people up and clicking my fingers for prophecies. I’m promising the world and New Zealand that we’re tearing down cities and building smaller towns and estates with small and tiny homes. We will do everything with hemp. New Zealand will be the country to rule the world. Queenstown will be the capital of the world! There will be a great castle on top of Kelvin Heights, and I click my fingers to produce the sketches for what will be my castle magically appearing after our wedding night. Me and Lorde will be married at first sight next Saturday at Stoneridge Estate. I think I can talk to her through telecommunication and I hear her thoughts back to me, even though It’s just me thinking about what she would be saying. It’s not just her thoughts I hear in my head. Whenever I think something I get an answer back in my head thinking it’s a summed up answer of the people coming back to me, even though it was just me thinking what should be said. I struggle to get to sleep and think hectic legendary things all night. I declare a trio be formed, being Margeret Ohanlen(script writer, musician, and director), Quinten Terintino(enough said), and me, The Rhys. We would work on great pieces together, and truly leave something great behind us. Whenever something goes wrong in my thoughts, or I want trippy things to happen, I call on Quinten Terintino to freak people out. Or I blame him for things that freak me out. I’d quite often think, “Oh its just Quinten fucking with me again. As if Quinten was a gifted powers by the gods too with his say in the world.
Manson Island would be the real life hell. Marilyn Manson would live on it and be the master chemist concocting up new potions. It would be devil scary themed and you would be given crazy amounts of psychedelics to totally bad trip you out and fuck with your mind. Timothy Leary would be immortalized and he would be the main dispenser/distributer for LSD. At 10 o’clock on our wedding night, everyone 16+ would take a recommended dosage of LSD and we would all look up to this sky and see the answers to the universe. I sent everyone in the world to Mount Everest and turned all the snow into cocaine. There was a shrine of me up top and my old workmate Aiden from Ireland was up top and center with his Mrs doing some lines off each others asses. Queen Bee was everywhere whenever I said she was somewhere or meeting someone she had to meet, a click was all that was needed to make it happen. I sent Reuben and a few other people to the moon to sit in a bubble dome as punishment for bad deeds. All they had was kiff weed which doesn’t get you stoned, and 0% alcohol. They would slowly rot and die up there.
I was seriously getting excited about my music prospects and working with the greats. I constantly thought about meeting and mentoring under Tommy Emmanuel, the only guitarist I know that’s certified finger picker by the great Chet Atkins. He is my number one biggest idol. I’ve pushed myself on the guitar to play his songs and it’s done me wonders. Tommy would never leave my side. Whenever we could he would be training me in the great art of finger style guitar. My dreams were coming true! He was bringing me some great guitars, but I would always be a Cole Clark player by heart. Tommy would pretty much run the music hall in my castle. Trent Reznor was going to be my electric synth rock stuff guy. Tommy would hardly leave music hall in castle. The outside auditorium in castle was incredible. We would perform any new songs each night and have a two hour set each night for people to tune into.
There was to be a month long holiday to celebrate the uniting of the globe, and it was called “Festival”! This was a month of miracles and fantasy land. Heaven on earth. My gift to the people. My good old friends Gray and JP were to hold an old school military battle in Moke Lake, Roman vs Rebels! You could die but you would come back to life in an All Blacks Jersey. Everyone from others countries would be wearing their colours, and we would hold WW3 in New Zealand. You would “die”, but as I said you reappear with an All Blacks jersey on and the All Blacks are there throwing and kicking a ball around. Dad was appointed as the official All Blacks referee and would be with the All Blacks at all times. There would be nukes going off and all that kind of shit. I came up with an idea called snuking, where I would snuke someone and they would have a secret g spot, or an epiphany. I snuked Queen Bee quite a lot. I fantasized about being with her, finally my own singing Queen, Things were on the up!
We are going to redistribute money and globalise finance. Everyone must donate 50% of their money minimum to Rhys and Co. If you have under $10,000 you are exempt. There would be great poker games had between me and other such as Daniel Negraneau and Phil Hellmuth. I would win it all anyway and they could just muck their hand and donate in any way they wanted to. Becasue I had the gods in my favour, I would threaten the fact that I’d never lose even if I was only dealt one card. The Rothchilds would get a great castle in New Zealand for donating as well as others for larger depositers. Mark Zuckerberg was my go to guy for putting people in touch with everyone, Whenever I had a new idea and I called upon Mark to get connecting. Edan Brackstone the local apple guy was always with Mark as well, call him a protege of sorts.
I promised the gamers that there would be real portals for people to enter and discover their world. There would be a dungeon portal in the castle that leads to a boss fight against me and my Queen Bee, though we would never die, unless you knew our achilles heal. You will never know the archilles heal, for it will never be talked about and is the most randomnest joke ever. Have I said too much? Every week on Sunday I would do a two hour battle against you minions, and you will meet a fiery wrath from the Gods! I would also play the odd game of League of Legends, and there would be a special character of me to play, and only me. My good friend Taz and my brothers would fight with me and the enemies will be random.
There was to be a great treck around New Zealand, starting in Stewart Island for my team. All my bush idols would be coming. Me, Bam from Alaskan Bush People, and Wild Mans son would be a trio. Queen Bees with me 100% of the way we are not separating, ever! We would make our way through every town and sight all the upgrades we are going to do for them. Castles, farms, and houses oh my! People would retrace our steps and see all the monuments and shrines we had built. There was a team starting in the north of New Zealand. That team consists of people that have done wrong to me in the past, or others. They have to march south and see if they can amass a following to battle us when we meet, if they so choose to attempt such a thing. I would be battling a few people in the ring. My first match was again Reuben Jagger, Liam Kalazich, and Blair MIddleton, in a cage, three on one. Only Reubans done me wrong but I recon I could take all three of them at once. My old friend “Boof Rox” would be my referee and trainer. Hes a big fella I tell ya, not someone to mess with, he lifts a lot of weights. Tree House Masters were running the show when it came to all the tree houses we were going to need. They were everywhere those guys, and they were going to run the tree-house guild and be rewarded for their efforts.
SUNDAY – Now it all becomes rather blury from here on out. I’m not sure what I did every day but I have the gist of things. I’m amping to see if I have got any possums. So I strap on my boots and head bush. I’d been thinking about all the people I wanted to come live in New Zealand. I’d been dreaming that Bam from “Alaskan Bush People” and “Wild Mans” son would teach me to go proper bush. I get one possum on my last trap. I’m excited and nervous as usual. I bonk it on the head a few times and see it doing some muscle spazzaming so I think it’s dead. When it stops moving I take the trap off its leg and the bloody thing just bolts two meters and freezes in place mid stride. I’m stunned. I think its a prank on me for pulling a few pranks last night and that Queen Bees just fucking with me. I turn my back to it and sit for a minute reflecting. I turn around for another look and the bloody things still in same place but just staring at me, Nerveless I boost it, this prank was definitely not funny. Its put me off possuming that’s for sure. For now at least. I won’t return to these traps for some time. Fuck the possums they can get trapped and slowly die. I don’t care, I’m not going back near this place alone again!
I was declaring friends and family to rule certain provinces or countries. My American friend Jesse Luckey would rule America and the Grand Canyon would become their greatest shrine with inscriptions and giant art all throughout. In it I would build a grand mural for Queen Bee made out of gold and the most exquisite jewels ever seen. Jesse would co-rule with Trump for a while or keep him in as humour. We would truly make America great again. Cities were to be radicalized with more grassland and greenery. My ex wife Ting would rule China, but she had to go through a boot camp kind of thing to retrain her brain and apologise further to me. Tyler my dearest son would return to be a prince in my castle. I would encourage him to pursue Andrews daughter Sophia to potentially rule the kingdom once me and Bee pass on. Andrew would rule Athol as we had been discussing moving there and building our own houses. He would get a castle and would build accommodations for people and revolutionise peoples living and thinking. We would build quaint country homes and need masses of water reeds to build thatched roofs. Think sticks and stones, natural building materials. Cob! My brother would rule Australia. It would be ironic for sports matches Aussie vs New Zealand as it would be like fighting your brother for superiourorisy. There would be great guilds formed and built in New Zealand to be the go to place in the world to exchange ideas and meet people. I would form a world-wide united organization called Rhys and Co. by which all sub businesses would be run out of. Think would-wide allied workforce. I would continue to build for a couple days a week or whenever I felt like it or when I have time.
By now everyone was well underway preparing for the biggest wedding to ever be had. People were coming to New Zealand with gifts and offerings to help the revolution. Islanders were racing over in canoes setting times and they would be granted houses when they get here. I was super excited to be getting married at first sight. I cleaned my whole room top to bottom and gave one half of my wardrobe to Salvation Army. I give the car a thorough clean out and mum even vacuumed for me! I would sing love songs and have me most emotional jams of my life. I was star struck in awe about why I deserved all this and what was about to happen. We were going to have twins, a boy and a girl. I would call my son Lintel Occoner Clark. Ella or Lorde would name the girl at a later date. I knew we would have twins because I told the Gods that’s what’s happening. When we have our first kiss on that fateful wedding night, we would ascend to heaven and find the answers and explanations of how life came to be. I declare that I’m adopting two sons, Nek Minute man and my friend Doe Doe. They would be my two bogan sons with mullets and all. Invercargill would be the bogan capital of the world. It would be mandatory if you live there to sport a mullet, whether its a real or wig is up to you. Tim Shadbolt would be the only exemption to having a mullet, because he’s TIM FARKING SHADDY MATE!
I drive out to the river for a mission. There’s a few tracks around there so I drive around for a bit and cruise through a smallish creek. Water splashes over the bonnet and I find a spot to park up. There are a lot of sticks and stones around so I make a shrine on a gravel pile. Then all of a sudden with the keys off in the car, the windscreen wipers came on. And then the bloody radio turns on man. I thought it was miracles from Queen Bee, pleased to see me building shrines for her. It amps me up even more. Miricles are happening. I finish the project and head off. For the next couple of days randomly the wipers will turn on and I cannot get them to turn off. More miracles to back up what’s going on in my head. Thanks Queen Bee I hope you like what you see, you make me giddy like a little boy, he he he ta tee hee hee, please choose me to be you little worker bee! I was writing lots of poems to her and singing them all day long. I would get so emotional and the feelings came out in song, often with tears. I was madly in love with someone I had never met. My heart was melting. My own singing bee. Dreamy.
Its another night of clicking epiphanies, glimpses into the future, miracles on earth. I prophesied our royal plane. It was to be built and run out of hemp mainly. My Uncle Bob was to be my pilot. This plane was sick! I clicked my fingers five times for this plane and it magically appeared for the people. It had warp speed and all things magnificent. What a vehicle! All thanks to hemp, the wonder plant! I was grouping up people I knew for interviews and Queen Bee was the interviewer. Sometimes I’d put them all in the Brady Bunch thing with all the separate boxes and let them have a laugh together. People were doing shoutouts to me and Bee, thanking the world for all that’s about to happen. I’d constantly think of someone who I knew that needed a hand and I’d hook them up. The Inspector Gadget theme song featured a lot through this trip. It was meant to get people off by making them tech savvy and switched on. Dreams by Beck was another song that featured often, and I would cut to it whenever I had another amazing epiphany or dream.
Much time went into putting out my ideas for the wedding party. There would be a small after party at Jodie’s house with a three person poker table where we could accept donations for the cause. Slowly people would march up the hill behind her house and new people would come up to meet the Royals. We would climb that hill tonight and sight the location for the second castle in Queenstown to be built, up Queenstown Hill. We would leave a great trail behind us, I was going to make it a trippers trail. I’d get trippy art decorating the forest, and make it a trippers fantasy walk. It would have random MP3 players around with headphones to listen to secret musical geniuses, or music on a smart phone that adapted as you climbed and changed zones. Quinten Tarentino was definitely going to have a say in this, as well as Timothy Leary. At the start of the trail I had some major shrine ideas flowing out of me. Beautiful stoned sculptures, gems, GOLD! Even the rugby world cup was going to be on display at the start of the trail. Jodie would receive a toll tax on people entering her backyard to walk the trail. There would be a gondola and zip line between the castles so we could easily get away for another day. That night I fell asleep around midnight. I closed my eyes and opened them and eight hours had past in less than what felt like two seconds. I thought something was up for sure.
MONDAY – I had planned a great Monday the night before. I’d show up to Amalgamated Builders at eight and the office staff and Dave McConnel would be there. From there we’d head to the owner of the Empire State Buildings house that we had been building and have a two hour roof shout. Then we’d go on to a couple other jobs in the area before heading to the FAT to catch up with all my old bosses and colleagues. They were all becoming part of Rhys and Co. Who wasn’t haha, you had to be. But what actually happened was something completely opposite. You’d think I would have caught on that this can’t be real, but after the miracles happening to me what is real anymore, I don’t know.
So I head into the office just like a normal working day. I get a coffee on the way in and as I’m driving out of the parking lot, a female races in and turns into me and we crash. I was going five to ten kms and she was going forty to fifty kms. I took a minor scratch on the bumper, and she needs major panel beating. Ironic thing is she works for a panel beater haha. We exchange details and I head to the office. I can’t see anyone there so I say fuck it, they must be out at the Empire State buildings house. So I head there pretty chill. There’s hardly anyone there so I decide to grab my tools and gap it. Bit of a let down but nothing to worry about, must have happened for a reason. I still have faith in the Jedi. People would often put on a Jedi voice; everyone was happy to be Jedi.
I head to the music shop to check out some loop pedals but he’s not there so I cruise off and get a call from mental health. They want me to do a blood test tomorrow. I get a call from Hugh my boss and I go in to see him. The news isn’t good. They have to let me go. I wasn’t worried; I’ve got Rhys and Co. I drive down the road to go visit Jodie and she gives me a job straight away tending to the mess of her backyard. Just some labour, landscaping, and building. Perfect! She even sets me up with a guy called Sam Ross from the feelers and owner of Remarkable Audio. There are talks about me coming to do some part time work with him setting up for gigs and such. What a dream! Is this really real? He comes round and we have a jam, its cool. I didn’t really know who the Feelers were. I heard the name before, but when he played some hits I most certainly have heard them on the radio, quite a lot. This is awesome, what an opportunity. Thanks Jodie, I love ya!
Around this time I get a call from an unkown number. It's a guy called Hoheppa on the line. He says that Matt has recomended my autobiography for a read that that he wants to make a movie on it. I was instantly thrilled! My dreams coming true, the true start of a revolution.
I visited the mental health clinic, they were just monitoring me. I seemed pretty normal, happy and kind. I go for a drive up skippers canyon for an explore. I know a guy who lives in a hut up there so I thought I’d go say hello. Jodie was to own skippers canyon so I was sighting a spot for a manor. He wasn’t home but I check out the exterior of his house, a perfect antique! I sing a song to Bee and leave the guy a couple beers on his doorstep. I decided not to drive any further happy to have had a glimpse at an old school building, right on the edge of a cliff. I don’t recall what else I got up to on this day. It was day four of an unknown day binge. I was ecstatic, wild, and emotional, in love. Love growing stronger by the minute. I spent more time conversing with Ella, it was nice having a girl again. My own singing Bee. Was I even fit for thee? There were more poems written and sung, I was in fantasy land. The emotions were real, I was hypnotized. I didn’t want to look at her in the medias too much. I had seen her a few times on the TV, and heard Royals lots. I wanted to see her for the first time as much as a surprise as one could. When I would arrive at Stoneridge Estate, I would be blindfolded until I had gotten used to her smell and touch. I would often smell a rose in Jodie’s backyard and think of it as the smell of her hair. When I would work and I wanted to think about her I’d take deep breathes of it, and relaxation would pass over me. I loved smelling that flower, I’ll always be able to go and smell that flower and be taken back to those precious moments.
By now I was slowing down on the clicking and epiphanies. I didn’t want to spoil the people too much. There was much more to come after the wedding. I was organising all the artists I wanted to play at the wedding. There was going to be a three song limit that night for each artist. One old song, one new song, and one cover song, with me and Bee doing our thing whenever we wanted. Snoop Dog, Willie Nelson, and Seth Rogan were the stoner threesome always popping up for a bit of comedy. Id often interrupt someone talking with “Stop, hammer time”, instigating a world wide “Hammer time” dance done with a hammer as a chippie would. Whenever I’d want I’d cut someone off with a random funny song or a comedy act. Id quite often turn people into leprechauns, or combined animals, and get them to do silly things. Whenever things got a bit to whacked out, Morgan Freeman would cut in with some worldly facts with his soothing voice. Then Quinten would trip them out, and Tommy Emmanuel would play a song. I spent a lot of time try to crack people up, fuck with the minds, Terintino things up.
TUESDAY – I go for my blood test. I thought nothing odd about it. She puts the needle in and I feel warmth spreading through my arm. This isn’t a bloody blood test what the hell is going on? I start getting feint and pass out. What feels like two seconds passes and im back up and three ladies are holding wet towels on my head. I thought I had just been killed and was being reborn and they were christening me. It was an odd awkward moment. I lie on the floor for a bit and try to figure things out. There’s one lady with me and I don’t recall what I said to her. It was very strange; I’ve never done that before. I leave mystified. I head to work at Jodie’s. I’m just moving shit around cleaning up and dismantling a play house. It was a bit of a pay drop but at least I’ve got work. The play house was painted inside buy Jodie’s daughter and friends, whom I call The Strawberries. Liana, Steffie, and Chelsea. We are going to reuse all the timber for some projects but I’m eyeing it all up and a great jigsaw puzzle to put up my track. I was going to spread out the pieces and make it a jigsaw puzzle you have to solve. I put a few pieces up the hill and built a little lean-to to shelter some tools. I was pushing myself pretty hard physicaly, trying to impress Queen Bee and show the boys what hard works about. It was awesome. I spent a night on Jodie’s couch and she offered me an apartment for a few days above her business in industrial place.
The apartment was awesome, just what I needed. Somewhere I could jam late and not bother anyone. Just up the road from Sam Ross’s studio. I decide I needed to do up the place to impress Queen Bee. There was some confusion as to how long I was going to stay there; I remember her mentioning something a bit longer. I thought this would be an awesome place for me and Queen Bee to retreat to. So I went to Salvation Army and spent $160 on knick knacks. I got some awesome stuff man, some incredible stuff, all for a bargain! Then I went to The Warehouse and bought heaps of candles and a few art pieces. I fully cleaned and decked that apartment man. There was cool stuff from kingdom come! I had so many candles; it was going to be beautiful. I was having the best jams of my life, so much emotion spewing through me. There was a children’s book that was very well done. I’d read from it with a few candles burning thinking all the kids were listening in and Queen Bee was watching. It was awesome. Things were going really good and I was on a high of my life. Day five of a however many day binge. This was my best binge yet. God I love it! And it all seems so real, with the miracles happening and such. I was happy; I don’t want this to end. I want to get married! To the girl of my dreams! I chose two of my best poems and put them in two envelopes I found. I hid them around the apartment along with a couple Easter eggs for her to find. I wrote so many poems, sung so many songs.
Hori worked for Jodie down below the flat in the laundry. He would come up on smokos and jam with me, it was cool. He’s getting a lot better since I used to see him. I’m proud of him. I click my fingers for him later that night trying to make his dreams come true. One of his idols is Jimi Hendrix so I bring Hendrix back from the dead and make Hori his protégé. By this time I’m having some pretty intense fantasies with Ella. We are brain fucking. Each in our own beds telling each other what we are doing to each other etc… The most hottest fantasies I’ve ever had. It annoys me that everyone is listening in, but I put on a good erotica.
WEDNESDAY AND ON – I do some more work for Jodie. It all starts getting a bit more normal and regular. The days all seem the same, all melting and blending in on psychedelic trip. Bats doing flipa dee flops doing tripa dee trops. I keep busy jamming and working. One Saturday I show up to Stoneridge Estate thinking I’m getting married. I pick some flowers on the walk up and inspect the fine architecture and landscaping. This is the perfect place for our wedding, fit for a Queen Bee. A man shows up and I tell him I’m getting married here today. He tells me I can’t pick the flowers and to go see the manager and goes away. I head up to the main building and call the number the guy just gave me. He takes a bit and then comes out and tells me there’s no wedding? I’m heartbroken and confused. I suck it up and think that Queen Bee must not be ready to marry me, its just a test of the jedi.
I’m not sure how I spend the rest of time until the next Saturday. I worked and smoked and jammed. I wasn’t let down too much, after all these miracles had happened for a reason and I felt confident in the force and the way of the Jedi. Keep that chin up mate, be staunch walk tall. So next Saturday rolls around, and I’m nervous again. I think the weddings just been postponed until she’s ready to accept the offer. I tell her to meet me at the rope swing at Lake Hays pavilion and then we would go get married. I didn’t want to up to Stoneridge Estate on my own again. So I walked from our home to Frankton, playing guitar for people on the way as they requested. I picked up my car from the mental health ward and drove to Lake Hays. I was nervous, what was about to happen.
I parked on the side of the road and cut down to the track. I played guitar as I approached the tree waiting for her to join in on the song. But alas, she wasn’t there, what the farking hell mate. I was devastated. Absolutely gutted. I was in turmoil. I didn’t know what to do, I was going through so many emotions right now. I started yelling “Fark fark fark fark fark fark fark” over and over. I kicked the hell out of my guitar and put a small hole in it. I said I’d never leave this spot. I decided to live off what was around me and starting eating bark, dirt, and grass. It didnt taste too bad actually, very earthy. I let it all dissolve into my mouth. I sat there for a while, unable to move. I didn’t know what to do so I called 111. I told them I was confused, suicidal, and depressed. The cops came and picked me up and took me to hospital. I had a chat about what had happened and Mum showed up. I get released and I go back to my apartment.
I’m refusing to take meds at this point. I was sick of the weight gain with Olanzepene and I was just putting the pills in my cheek and pretending to take them. I was losing the apartment at this point because Jodie had a friend that needed somewhere to live. I was planning on going camping. I met a random person busking and he was tagging along. He had come down to work on a farm but when he got here they didn’t hire him. Now he’s broke and has nowhere to live. So I take him to get a food parcel, and we go busking and make a few dollars in a short time so we can use the internet cafe and get a bottle of grog. We were going to rough it on the streets sleep in car etc…We were about to go live at twelve mile delta for a bit with Jodie’s camping gear, do possums and busk. But as I was preparing to leave the cops showed up and brought me in. They interviewed me and said I was under the Mental Health Act and had to come with them to Invercargill. This was to be the end of my binge. I was done for. I boosted to the bathroom and locked myself in. I rolled a ciggie and called a couple friends telling them I was off to the loony bin again. It was a good ride, the cop and mental health lady were friendly and we had a good chat. I told them what had been happening and they couldn’t believe it. How does all this happen to me? It seems so real. The signs. The one two. Where is my one two? Is she tricking me?
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